Roll Call: Latest News on Capitol Hill, Congress, Politics and Elections
July 23, 2014

A Foe by Any Other Name

Are Republicans unwitting conspirators in the efforts of alien mastermind Lord John Whorfin to do the unthinkable and steal the coveted oscillation overthruster?

Based on the names of some of their highest-profile leaders, one might suspect the GOP has been infiltrated by aliens from the eighth dimension — an us-against-them scenario advanced by the 1984 cult classic “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.”

In the genre-bending film, scientist/explorer/rock star and all-around-badass Buckaroo Banzai faces off against the warmongering Red Lectroids from Planet 10, who cross over into our reality after escaping the aforementioned, prison-like parallel universe.

For reasons that are never made quite clear, all of the interlopers adopt the first name “John” in an attempt to assimilate. Notable baddies include:

• John Smallberries

• John Yaya

• John O’Connor

• and, of course, John Bigbooté

Like the spacey invaders, much of the Republican leadership and brain trust suspiciously share the same name. There’s Speaker John Boehner (Ohio), Senate Republican Conference Chairman John Thune (S.D.), Senate Republican Policy Committee Chairman John Barrasso (Wyo.), National Republican Senatorial Committee Chairman John Cornyn (Texas), Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (Ariz.) and Sen. John McCain (Ariz.), just to name a few.

Like the aliens Buckaroo and his Hong Kong Cavaliers battle, nearly all of those “Johns” have solid, deep tans. And their nemesis — in this case President Barack Obama rather than the indomitable Peter Weller — is a multitalented intellectual who, when he’s not busy thwarting mankind’s enemies, sings pop standards, much to the delight of his audience.

And perhaps most chilling? The far-out flick ends with a teaser urging audiences to watch for a sequel — which, much like Obama’s second term, has not yet materialized.

Is a reptilian uprising imminent? One GOP staffer insists there is nothing to worry about.

“No matter where you go, there you are. And, sometimes, there are a lot of guys named ‘John’ there,” Boehner spokesman Michael Steel assures HOH, echoing one of Buckaroo’s immortal lines.

 

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