Any cash-strapped feds had all the belt-tightening they can handle? Broadcasting magnate Howard Stern just might have a solution for you.
The satellite radio kingpin Monday announced that he’s growing his game show catalog — who can forget the hours of good, clean family fun provided by “Dial-a-Date,” “Hollyweird Squares” or the multiple installments of “It’s Just Wrong” — by launching the hottest nude mother-daughter contest.
“I got a feeling that a lot of federal workers who are not getting paid might enter that contest,” Stern told his SiriusXM audience after trying to guesstimate who, in their right minds, would actually vie for the $5,000 prize.
The contest opened Monday and entries will be accepted till noon on Oct. 31; the actual drama will unfold inside Studio 69 on Jan. 14, 2014. Peep all the rules here.
Liberal Frank Kelly has penned his first one-act play, a dramedy in which the ongoing government shutdown is boiled down to a farcical horse race.
“I’m an aerospace engineer in Los Angeles (non-furloughed!). And I promise I don’t have a script I’m ‘working on,’” Kelly, who claims he doesn’t typically wade too far into politics, assured HOH via email. But he said he became so transfixed by the psychology behind the budget impasse — the idiocy of it all kept him up for a bit one night, then turned to resolve the following evening — he felt compelled to break down the fight for even the most casual of observers.
He blasted out the cheeky analysis, titled, “Government Shutdown as a Horse Race Metaphor,” to 18 friends — one of whom must have shared it with the GOP tipster who zapped it our way:
Scene: At the Horse Race Track
Republicans: “I don’t like that horse that’s winning.”
Democrats: “Oh, I actually kind of like that horse that’s winning.”
Republicans: “Well, you’re going to have to stop that horse from winning.”
Democrats: “Excuse me?”
Republicans: “Stop that horse from winning, I hate it.”
Democrats: “We already started the race, I can’t stop the horse from winning.”
Republicans: “Well fine, if you don’t stop that horse from winning I’m going to kill all the horses.”
Democrats: “What! You’re going to kill ALL the horses?”
Republicans: “Well, you leave me no choice.”
Democrats: “So just cause that horse is winning you are going to kill it and all the other horses in the race?”
Republicans: “Well, I actually can’t kill the one horse that’s winning.”
Democrats: “So you’re just going to to kill all the OTHER horses?”
Democrats: “How is that going to stop the horse that’s winning?”
Republicans: “I don’t know, but you sure will be depressed about all these dead horses laying about.”
“I think it was emailed to one person in DC who works in politics and is a Republican moderate. I think he is more upset about the whole thing than I am,” Kelly said of the shared contempt he believes the shutdown has fostered across the ideological spectrum.
To wit, Kelly hinted that he’d be just as wary of allowing the far left to wield absolute power.
“It’s like if a bunch of annoying hippies got to run the Democratic Party. ‘We’re not raising the debt ceiling until all the nuclear weapons and reactors and bad feelings are destroyed!’” he joked about his personal nightmare scenario.
Kelly may not be a comedic genius, but his comparison did make us chuckle. It remains, however, only the second-biggest debacle involving bumbling gamblers and perplexing messaging.
Neighborhood dive Billy Goat Tavern has decided to get in on all the kinda-sorta-filibuster fun by dishing out a green eggs and ham special commemorating Texas Republican Sen. Ted Cruz’s recent dramatic reading of Dr. Seuss.
The politically inspired repast includes mint-colored eggs, hash browns, grilled ham and your choice of toast (white or wheat) for $4.75.
(Warren Rojas/CQ Roll Call)
Billy Goat (500 New Jersey Ave. NW) is serving the hearty-har-har breakfast until noon Thursday.
When we strode into the Capitol Hill watering hole, the place was mostly empty, save for a few office drones nursing their late morning coffees. “Our first order!” cooed the grill cook when we placed our order for the fabled foodstuffs.
The meal was good; the generous plate featured fluffy eggs scrambled with bits of savory ham, onion-laced hash browns and a bonus piece of salty, griddle-seared swine.
One suggestion: maybe next time cap the whole thing off with a slice of creamy American (or queso fresco?) to commemorate the cheesiness of Cruz using public access television to snooker little ones into hearing his favorite bedtime book.
Rep. Steve Stockman is never one to disappoint when it comes to questionable tweets. Here’s the Texas Republican’s latest attempt to put the Senate debate on Obamacare defunding and Sen. Ted Cruz’s extended speechifying in perspective.
If ObamaCare were an infant Democrats would support a filibuster to kill it.
“Inside Edition” has turned the tables on televised toplessness, training its full tabloid resources on finding ultra-toned dudes here in the D.C. metro area.
Sadly, no one from Capitol Hill — nary a single pretty boy from all those “most beautiful” lists is involved — or government service in general (we’re looking at you, administration heartbreaker Reggie Love) tossed his hat tank top into the ring to vie for “D.C.’s Sexiest Bachelor.”
But show publicist Irene Rogers told HOH that one of the 14 finalists is a “mentalist who also has political aspirations.” (MindReader2016?)
Webb gave Griffith the nod Thursday on Twitter, heralding the former Republican National Committee operative’s political vision (“He will do great things for our country”) and personal values (“Great guy and great family!”). Full story
Comcast subscribers in the Volunteer State got caught in public access hell Tuesday night after the cable provider broadcast an Amber Alert that inadvertently locked a slew of set-top boxes on C-SPAN during prime time.
“Last night, the Comcast system serving the Nashville area experienced a problem with its emergency alert system when an AMBER alert was triggered by state authorities. Impacted customers had their equipment locked onto CSPAN for about 15 minutes,” a Comcast spokesman told HOH via email. “The company has been investigating this issue and plans to install a new EAS system as soon as possible. We apologize for the inconvenience this disruption caused our customers and their entertainment experience.”
The drama played out in real-time on Twitter, as TV viewers struggled to understand why Congress was suddenly streaming into their living rooms.
Erica Elliott, spokeswoman extraordinaire for House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy, R-Calif., had the unenviable task of calming frayed nerves Wednesday, after the House community had been informed that plans for the foreseeable future had been officially flushed down the toilet.
Because Congress can’t figure out how to pass appropriations bills before the end of the fiscal year, the word went out around 3:45 p.m. that the House would be in session longer than anticipated.
“Members are advised that on Wednesday, September 25, the House will reconvene at 2:00 p.m. for legislative business with votes postponed until 6:30 p.m. Members further are advised that the House will remain in session through the week, and possibly the weekend, until the completion of the CR. This is a change from the previously announced schedule,” the notice read.
Apparently, all hell broke loose, not that anyone enjoys finding out their schedule’s been thrown into a chaos of their own making. But the wording was a bit confusing, prompting some people to not be very pleased at all. Elliott sent out a missive a little while later, chiding everyone and, for good measure, she included a YouTube link to a scene at the end of “Animal House” that depicted mass hysteria, as well as a young Kevin Bacon yelling, “All is well,” before being flattened by the frightened hordes.
“To clarify all of the confusion and panic: The House was supposed to be out next week. Instead of being out next week, we will be in starting Wednesday. We will consider the CR before we leave this week. C’mon y’all …” her missive read, followed by the YouTube link.
So remember, as we get closer to a government shutdown and a possible worldwide economic slowdown: All is well!
After all, look how it turned out for Kevin Bacon’s character!
Democrats may have landed a recruit in California’s 21st District against Republican Rep. David Valadao, according to Nathan L. Gonzales of The Rothenberg Political Report. Her name is Amanda Renteria and she is not just a former Capitol Hill staffer, but also a four-year softball player for the Stanford Cardinals.
Why does this matter? Because the women of Congress band together each spring to face off against the women of the Washington press corps in a softball game. After two losses, Team Congress is on the prowl for a win and, maybe after the 2014 midterms, a new ringer.
But this is a bipartisan team. And a Renteria recruitment poses the age-old question to the likes of Reps. Martha Roby, Kristi Noem, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen and any other House Republicans on Team Congress: Would you rather hold the seat or “Beat the Press“?
Gonzales, a colleague and “friend” of HOH had some fun on Twitter with this development:
I don’t know if #CA21 is worse news for @NRCC or @RollCallAbby. Potential Dem candidate played 4 years of softball at Stanford. uh oh…
Michigan Republican Rep. Justin Amash became seriously disillusioned Tuesday — warning his social-media flock not once, not twice, but thrice about the procedural sleight of hand designed to blunt President Barack Obama’s looming health care expansion.
The tea party favorite became possessed with the idea of raising the alarm before lunch, broadcasting this cryptic warning amid a slew of anti-Syria missives:
To the casual observer, “Tea Party for One” may appear to be just another pic of a headless woman enjoying a proper cuppa.
(Warren Rojas/CQ Roll Call)
But the longer we admired the award-winning portrait — which was produced by Geneva Community High School senior Avie Churchwell and now hangs in the tunnels beneath the Capitol, courtesy of Rep. Randy Hultgren, R-Ill. — the more questions poured into our gray matter.
Could Churchwell be jamming her paint-speckled thumb into the non-existent eyes of the leaderless tea party movement — the very entity that helped sweep Hultgren into office in 2010?
Is a single person enough to bestow “party” status on a gathering, conservative-themed or otherwise?
Do all teenage girls slog through life convinced they are totally invisible to the world around them?
How much must disembodied tea drinkers spend on dry cleaning? (That drink’s just going to go everywhere.)
Sadly, Churchwell did not respond to requests to discuss her haunting vision — a snub that left us feeling very much unfulfilled, invisible even.
Local funnyman Dave Nuttycombe — he of Washington City Paper and Travesty Films fame — recently discovered that “How to Lobby Your Congressperson,” a tongue-in-cheek vignette about wooing Congress that he helped craft a quarter-century ago, won itself a Telly Award.
No small feat, given that only the suits that commissioned the project probably ever saw it.