Roll Call: Latest News on Capitol Hill, Congress, Politics and Elections
July 25, 2014

Keep the Crises Coming — Flack For Dan Synder!

Dust off those resumes, Capitol Hill communicators looking to jump off the rapidly sinking ships floating around Congress: Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder needs YOUR help flogging his perennially basement-dwelling squad.

That’s right, the most vehemently despised D.C. sports team owner in recent history — amassing only a handful of playoff appearances over the past 15 seasons and struggling to reach .500 most years, which has taken its toll on even diehard fans — is on the hunt for a social media coordinator.

The Dream Job of the Week” laundry-lists a host of technobabbley responsibilities (“drive member-generated content;” “add value to social sites”) but neglects to mention all the little extras that should prove as disruptive, if not more so, than your typical congressional scandal.

The roster of heartburn-stoking carryovers includes:

  • Management’s refusal to amend the team name amidst ongoing protests by offended Native American groups (and frequent tongue lashings from fed-up lawmakers);
  • Picking fights with local press;
  • Shamelessly exploiting the cheerleading staff;
  • Brazenly squeezing every last dollar possible out of unsuspecting fans

Dealing with the constant drama should come second nature to Hill staffers who’ve grown accustomed to simply waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We imagine everyone in the office of embattled Rep. Michael G. Grimm, R-N.Y., is completely psyched to ride out the 20-count indictment handed down earlier today.

And what aspiring professional wouldn’t want to stick around and see how short-timer Rep. Steve Stockman, R-Texas, weathers a swirling ethics inquiry? (Bonus points to anyone who stays put if Stockman decides to go AWOL again.)

Why wait for the kiss-off six months from now from Rep. Vance McAllister, R-La.— who has officially thrown in the towel after getting caught canoodling with his district scheduler — when you can spend all summer sweating bullets contemplating how the Skins will shoot themselves in the foot this pre-season?

Or perhaps someone in the office of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., could just use a break from cutting and pasting the phrase “Koch brothers” into every single statement that comes down the pike:

Regardless of your reasons, run — don’t walk — into The Danny’s open arms.

A job this sweet nerve-wracking is unlikely to roll around again anytime soon. Unless, of course, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling puts out the call for a new spin doctor.

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  • L. Nat Bean

    Since science tends to trace today’s events to yesterday, it can easily lead to the false notion that our motivations and actions result from prior events and are therefore not our own responsibility.

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