Roll Call: Latest News on Capitol Hill, Congress, Politics and Elections
August 30, 2014

Vice Box Mystery Masterminded by Cowards

Midmorning Thursday, a package arrived addressed to the female portion of the Heard on the Hill team.

By early evening, this same reporter discovered the package was the brain child of cowards.

Vice Box Mystery Masterminded by Cowards

(Courtesy Neda Semnani)

Inside the anonymously-delivered holiday package was an assortment of treasures, including a 24-ounce can of malt liquor, a pack of cigarettes, a tin of chewing tobacco, a pack of Magnum condoms, some porn, an energy drink and, of course, a chocolate bar.

In lieu of a card, whoever sent the package included a “Santa’s Naughty List,” which listed several of the members of Congress who received donations from the National Association of Convenience Stores’ political action committee. This bipartisan group of “anti-swipe fee” legislators were called out by name on the flier. On another slip of paper, which also included pictures of a sexy magazine, dip, malt liquor and synthetic bath salts, was the NACS CEO holding a giant energy drink. It also included the group’s telephone number.

“This year get all your stocking stuffers at a convenience store,” trumpeted the flier. “Say ‘Thanks’ & ‘Happy Holidays’ to the National Association of Convenience Stores.”

Our sinful gift-giver, however, did not sign the adult care package.

“It’s a pretty cheap stunt not to put your name on it,” said Lyle Beckwith, a NACS spokesman. Beckwith also told HOH that the NACS does not represent the bath salt distributors.

Therefore, HOH is dubbing this the stupidest advocacy campaign of 2012, not because the contents of the box were in any way insulting or misleading, but because of the sheer cowardice behind it.

For whatever reason, the person, or the people, behind the box, the “naughty” list and the anti-NACS flier want to gin up press, but they don’t actually want to deal with defending their position to said press.

It took HOH two phone calls and wading through some of the most ridiculous lies we’ve ever heard before we found the clueless kid who delivered the porn, booze and smokes to our office.

“I was a courier for a third party,” he whined, after we tracked him down. He told HOH was doing a favor for a “friend.”

The kid, who should be thanking us every day for not calling him out, declined to give his friend’s name.

Courier kid, since we’re feeling the holiday spirit, here’s another wee kindness from your friends at HOH: If someone puts your reputation in jeopardy to amuse themselves, they are not your friend. If they force you to rely on the charity of a gossip columnist, they are not your friend.

In other words, kid, you need better friends, because the ones you have suck.

Merry Christmas.

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